The Dating Series: Online Dating, Part II

My plan was to steer clear of boring first dates, which is why I decided to take a different approach to online dating and to allow me to have some fun with it: From now on, I predominantly swiped right for slightly younger guys with a mixture of party and gym pics.

And to my big surprise, this also resulted in a few matches (even though it was significantly less than in phase I). The first guy I matched with, was 29 (for reference, I am 36) and we texted for a bit. One day though – after about 3 days of casually texting about work, hobbies etc – I noticed a push notification on my phone indicating another message from him. It was a short message, only 3 words:

„you are old“.

I got so hot with rage that I dropped my knitting needles.

The Dark Abyss of Bourgeois Mediocrity

Despite this rather unpleasant encounter, I stuck with my strategy. One night, I was lying on my couch swiping purely out of boredom, when a familiar sound indicated another match. It should have been a warning to me that the guy’s profile constisted purely of gym selfies but utter boredom and mindless tindering made me ignore all the red flags.

Well… here’s the full conversation:

Faced with the guy’s (or ChatGPT’s?) obsessive need for self-optimization, I respectfully declared that I don’t think we are a good fit and that I would only drag him down into the dark and meaningless abyss of bourgeois mediocrity.

At that he instantly blocked me and deleted all the chats. (Thank God for screenshots!)

From Tinder to Bumble

So far, phase II of online dating had resulted in not a single real-life encounter but in a few good stories, so I decided to stick with it for a while longer but to take it to another app. I installed Bumble, which is described by its founder Whitney Wolfe Herd as a „feminist dating app“. Wolfe Herd previously worked for Tinder and founded Bumble just after she left.

The core mechanism is the same: You swipe left for „no“ and you swipe right for „yes“. If two people swipe right for each other, it’s a match.

But there’s some differences between Bumble and Tinder. For instance, Bumble profiles are way more detailled: You have the same basic info as on Tinder but you can customize your profile and add so-called prompts such as: What does your perfect first date look like? What gets you out of a funk? Or to amp up the wokeness factor of your profile: Which causes are you super passionate about?

But, what makes Bumble a „feminist dating app“? Well, once there is a match, per default only the woman can make the first step and start the conversation (with same-sex matches, both of them can make the first step). This is supposed to minimise the risk of unwanted dick pics and to assert that control is with the woman.

Critics usually claim that this is only for marketing purposes and that Bumble is no more than a fake-girlbossification of online dating, as for instance exemplified in Bumble’s 2017 ad campaign „be the CEO your parents always wanted you to marry (then find someone you actually like)“. While I would totally agree with these critics (maybe another blog post incoming?), I also have to say that my personal Bumble experiences are way better than my Tinder experiences but that is mainly due to the increased amount of information on profiles, which allows me to swipe more wisely.

Falafel Guy

On Bumble, I was matched with a 30-year-old, 1,90 m tall, muscular gym rat from a neighbouring city. We texted for a bit and I quickly sensed that there would not be a deeper connection as he seemed to be an eternal optimist without any sense for sarcasm or irony but with a disturbing fondness for the ☀️-emoji.

Nevertheless, I accepted his date invitation.

We went for ice cream in the park and we got on surprisingly well, chatting about our online dating stories, my wanderlust and his obsession with coffee. I guess it also helped that he greeted me with the words „Wow! You look way younger than 36!“

As I got home, I noticed he had sent me a photo and I dreaded opening it. The pessimistic feminist in me suspected an unwanted dick pic – but alas, it turned out to be a photo of his portafilter coffee maker. Massive tool, I have to admit 😉

We had dinner for our second date and he wanted to cook for me for our third date. I accepted – at this point purely driven by my urge for good, home-cooked food and the implicit promise of „carnal indulgence“ that is attached to a third date invitation.

If there was any last glimmer of hope in me for a more substantial, medium-term fling, it was nipped in the bud when I spotted a framed motiviational poster saying „Sky above, sand below, peace within“ in his flat. The Horror! I was contemplating staging an emergency exit but the spicy falafel mix and the freshly cut herbs in the taboulé smelled so alluring – and don’t forget about the 🍆!

Fastforward two hours and I walked home with an old ice cream container filled with leftover falafels, taboulé and oven roasted aubergine (side note: the ice cream in the container was Eierlikör flavour – the guy has taste!).

Afterwards, we exchanged a few more WhatsApp texts. Him sending lots of ☀️☀️☀️-emojis and „Sweet dreams!“-messages, me giving fairly matter-of-fact accounts of what I had been up to.

After a while he stopped texting.

Guess he was hit by a tram.