The Six Circles of Cruise Hell

When I was a teenager, I devoured classic pieces of literature. I loved the Brontës and read everything Shakespeare. But some books simply didn’t speak to me – probably because I lacked the necessary life experiences to really commit emotionally. One of those books was Dante’s Devine Comedy. Sin, purgatory, and hell were topics that I had no personal connection to and didn’t really believe in. But recently this has changed. Eternal damnation and biblical punishments seem like very familiar concepts to me now, as I freshly disembarked from my first (spoiler: and most likely last) cruise.

First Circle: Limbo

In the first circle of hell, Dante and his companion Virgil find the unbaptised, virtuous pagans and those who lived before the time of Christ. These people are not sinners as such but they are still condemned to live in eternal desire for salvation.

I have the feeling that Limbo is the overlying topic on a cruise, at least for me it was. I wanted to believe that it would be fun and in some aspects it certainly was (after all, I finally managed to be on „Who Wants to be a Millionaire“ after Günther Jauch has repeatedly rejected me as a candidate for the real deal), but I was indeed living in eternal desire for salvation – or in my case, disembarkation.

Second Circle: Lust

In the second circle, Dante and Virgil encounter those who have been swayed by their carnal desires. As punishment, rough winds and gruesome storms rock the lost souls back and forth without end.

In cruise ship hell, those lost souls can usually be found in the main bar area. Yet, it is not rough storms which rattle their doomed bodies. It is the monotonous „Cha Cha Cha Wiiie-Geeee-Schritt“ of the slightly unenthusiastic dance instructor, who probably pictured her career to be more like „Dirty Dancing“ and less like „Das Traumschiff“.

I have the sneaking suspicion that witnessing this harrowing mating ritual is even more traumatising on a German cruise ship. The lack of rhythm apparently inherent to my culture leads to an unorganised and chaotic joint movement of bodies that looks a little like this:

Third Circle: Gluttony

The Devine Comedy’s Third Circle of Hell is home to all those who surrendered to Gluttony. If you have ever been on a cruise, you will know that on sea your average „breakfast – lunch – dinner“ routine is swiftly transformed into „breakfast – lunch – pool snack – cake & coffee – dinner I – dinner II – midnight snack“. A recent ZDF documentary on AIDA cruises claims that the average cruiser will consume about 5,000 calories per day and gain about 2.5 to 3 kg per week.

However, what is worse than the amount of food you’ll eat, is the type of food. While the average buffet selection on the cruise I took was actually not too bad in general, someone came up with the less then brilliant idea to have motto dinners every night. Some impressions:

Fourth Circle: Greed

While I was on a cruise, a work colleague (hi, Dennis!) texted me an interesting theory: all inclusive holidays eliminate class difference and thereby lead to more relaxation and less stress.

However, you need to know: On a cruise ship, „all inclusive“ rarely ever means „all inclusive“, which means that the good old class system is still intact.

While food is usually included in the price of travel, drinks are not. Instead, you can book different drinks packages (only soft drinks, soft drinks + beer/wine, soft drinks + beer/wine + cocktails…). What is usually included though, is drinks with dinner. A waiter will bring you a carafe of red or white house wine and/or you can pour yourself a pint pints of beer at the buffet.

This fact brings out the inhabitants of the fourth circle of cruise ship hell: the table wine drinkers. They will show up when the restaurant opens and will have several rounds of buffet food (can’t blame them, did the same), thereby making sure that their stay at the buffet restaurant lasts at least until the next round of beer bingo* starts, where you can win free beer… or the next round of activity bingo, where you can win free bubbles… you get the gist.

Fifth Circle: Wrath

In the swampy, stinking waters of the river Styx – the Fifth Circle – the actively wrathful fight each other viciously on the surface of the slime, while the sullen (the passively wrathful) lie beneath the water, withdrawn, „into a black sulkiness which can find no joy in God or man or the universe“.

Wikipedia, Dante’s Inferno

You’d think that sailing the ocean totally carefree and far from the struggles of everyday life would make people calm and relaxed. Well, this might be true for some but certainly not for everyone. There is a special breed of wrathful people on board, which I have lovingly nicknamed: Randale-Rentner („pensioneers on a rampage“).

The Randale-Rentner usually start coming out when it’s time for cakes and coffees. Beware, they might look frail but by no means should you underestimate them! Don’t get in their way and never – I repeat, never! – snatch the last piece of cake. This will turn a calm and soothing cruise into a riotous mutiny faster than you can say „Käsesahneschnitte“.

Sixth Circle: Heresy

In the sixth circle, we find the heretics. And I hate to admit it, but I guess this is my own home turf. While I happily participated in a few of the activities (beer bingo, wohoo!), I found myself poking fun at most of them. While the sixth circle of Dante’s Inferno hosts the ones that claim „the soul dies when the body dies“, the sixth circle of cruise ship hell hosts the ones that say „the souls dies when you willingly participate in Almhütten Rummel with DJ E“.

Some context: The brand „AIDA“ was founded in the 1990s, after cruising in Germany had basically flopped. It was considered elitist and snobby. AIDA was supposed to change that with management demanding a cruise experience modelled on US fun ships. For its very first cruises, AIDA marketed itself as „Das Clubschiff“, basically imitating the experience you’d have on an all inclusive club holiday but at sea.

Nowhere was this approach more noticable than in their entertainment programme. Here’s some of my highlights:

• Shuffleboard
• Boccia
• Silent Party
• A Magician’s Show**
• Best of ABBA Night
• Helene Fischer and Friends Quiz
• Schlager Karaoke Night (twice!)
• Foto Shooting: Glamour Portraits (extra charge!)
• 2.000 Euro Super Jackpot Bingo
• Bier Bingo
• Viva Las Vegas Night at the Casino
• Selfie Rallye
• Edutainer Meet-up: Holiday as a chance for self reflexion (extra charge!)

What was probably the weirdest activity, however, was the Arctic Circle Baptism. In the past, this ritual was supposed to prepare sailors for the dangers of the upcoming arctic waters. Nowadays, it seems more like an elaborate cruise ship scheme to make a little more money. Every cruise line handels the Arctic Circle Baptism slightly differently. On Hurtigruten, for instance, you get icy water poured down your back. In comparison, the AIDA tradition seemed a bit more in tune with their „Clubschiff“ spirit. You simply jump over a line on the floor and afterwards you get free shots (all to the sounds of Andreas Bourani’s „Ein Hoch auf uns“ – I mean, you have to celebrate your achievements, right?). To prove that you have actually passed the arctic circle, you get a certificate signed by the captain himself (for an extra 20€).

Cruising is not for everyone

The next three circles of Dante’s inferno deal with violence, fraud and treachery. There was no violence (not even from the Randale-Rentner) and since I don’t want to be sued for my first blog post, I am going to skip the last two 😉

I think I wouldn’t have booked a cruise for myself in the first place but since I was invited by my family, I decided to dodge the environmental concerns and to simply go for it. What I was expecting was half-decent shows and entertainment, less than decent food and lots of booze. What I got was less than decent shows, actually alright food and lots of booze.

Would I do it again? No, probably not. Unfortunately, it confirmed most of my prejudices about cruising and I still get nightmares from a Karaoke rendition of „Heidi“ that suddenly turned into an on-stage breakdance performance. But I have to admit: I do miss my afternoon cocktails.

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* beer bingo: pretty much like normal bingo but there’s certain activities connected to certain numbers. For instance, a 44 will not be announced as „vierundvierzig“ but as „bierundbierzig“. If the entertainers forget to announce it as such, you have to get up and loudly shout „Das gefällt Bier nicht!“ to win a free pint. (Wish this was satire. It’s not.)

** a show not well suited for the venue: we had seats at the top and to the side of the stage and we could see everything the magician clearly didn’t want us to see.